From the depths of my being, at the core of my heart, from my earliest childhood memories, I have found it impossible to believe that I am loved by anyone let alone God.
This didn’t stem from a lack of affection from parents or friends but results from an impenetrable gate leading to my heart that deflects displays of love because I don’t deserve them.
I am unlovable. I am too bad, too ugly, too me. I think this is a lie. It must be. I think it is the cause of joyless anxiety. I think it feeds on every negative that ever occurs and that they strengthen the belief that I am not loved, that God really doesn’t care, that my belief was right all along.
This is a daily fight for me, to believe that I am loved, to allow that belief to fill me with joy and security. I need God’s word every day to remind me that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
There is a love that does not depend on my goodness or accomplishments. It just comes from God because he is love and because he wants to love us and just because he does. He does. I don’t know why, but then, there are a lot of things I don’t know.
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3 comments:
You are loved, Andy. It breaks my heart to think that you feel undeserving. As a kid you were the most lovable. If you honestly cannot accept love from others, how can you give it. And I know you give love, generously and freely.
Andy...I see you as one of God's messengers and tend to believe yes that God loves us all, but also has a special place for people like yourself. You are most deserving of God's love and from all of us who attend your church every Sunday. It is you that we listen to and trust, but most of all, Love. Thank you for being that person in our lives!
I think that everyone feels this way to some degree or another. I believe it is because of our separation from God caused by sin/the fall. We are no longer complete. We all have a hole in our heart that can only be filled by God. We are all undeserving. I think that this is what draws us to God and it is because we feel this that we know how precious his love is! . Yet we continually try to fill this void with earthly things like Money,sex, food. etc... Unfortunately a lot of people think that if they can just find that right person (lover) they can get married and live happily ever after. ( even if they have to do it two or three times) but this is NEVER enough! The truth is the love of people will always fail us, it is imperfect. Only the perfect love of God will fill us and give us the ability to love others as we ought to and even the ability to receive that love the way we ought to. Unfortunately many Christians are still trying filling this void with earthly things unable or unwilling to let the love of Christ do what He so eagerly desires to do. Personally I think it is good to acknowledge this deep need we all have and our unloveablleness (if that's a word?)!
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