Loved

From the depths of my being, at the core of my heart, from my earliest childhood memories, I have found it impossible to believe that I am loved by anyone let alone God.

This didn’t stem from a lack of affection from parents or friends but results from an impenetrable gate leading to my heart that deflects displays of love because I don’t deserve them.

I am unlovable. I am too bad, too ugly, too me. I think this is a lie. It must be. I think it is the cause of joyless anxiety. I think it feeds on every negative that ever occurs and that they strengthen the belief that I am not loved, that God really doesn’t care, that my belief was right all along.

This is a daily fight for me, to believe that I am loved, to allow that belief to fill me with joy and security. I need God’s word every day to remind me that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

There is a love that does not depend on my goodness or accomplishments. It just comes from God because he is love and because he wants to love us and just because he does. He does. I don’t know why, but then, there are a lot of things I don’t know.

God Suffers

I am going to write. I amn not going to correct grammar spelling or theology. I am not going to use the backspace key. This is what I think. God suffers. We get wond u in the concept that he is the cause of suffering but he is also the cause of his own suffering. He is “longsufferin” Every injustice every agnostic, atheistic moment cuts just as deep as the whip or the nnails though we can’t get to him physically now. Every cult every idol , the death ov every evil person in which he takes no pleasure cause him to suffer. We are in this together longing for complete joy together. He is no above our suffering but immersed in it. It is a facet of our fellowship. He is righteous. He is love . there is bno other plan that could have expressed his nature. Thi is the plan and it must be so. God suffers. He hates this just as much as we do at times. He weeps. One day we will laugh together.