I have seen the rock face of scripture bleed life-giving water until I could not help but overflow with what God was speaking through it. There is no better “high” than being thrilled with all that God is saying, especially for one who begged him to speak as a teen.
It has been weeks since I felt overflowing. I sip trickles here and there. I cling to that rock face and beg for water, but nothing fills my soul to overflowing. I cannot get enough of Him. At least not right now. I said that I would not blog for any other reason than that.
This is depression. Perhaps it is the appropriate emotional response to loss. It is accompanied with doubts concerning the goodness of God, the love of God and the trustworthiness for God, things I could never “preach” from the pulpit, but deep waters we all go through.
We’re tempted to pity the depressed. This of course is poison. Pity is feeling sorry for someone and relating to them on that basis which only feeds the illness rather than raising the expectation that it will pass and it will. No one can live here, at least not for long. No sane person would want to.
For now, I have questions without answers, pain without resolve and a hope that is so hard to maintain it takes all my strength. The one thing I need is faith. Faith to believe the promises and the future that God has in store for his children. Faith that he gives and enables me to live, but in reality, what other choice is there but to believe and to live it despite how we may feel. Feelings are not our God. God is.
Job felt it.
Job 30:21 You turn on me ruthlessly; with the might of your hand you attack me.
Jeremiah felt it.
Lam 3:7 He has walled me in so that I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. 8 Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer.
David felt it.
Ps 69:2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me.
Paul felt it
2Co 1:8 We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.
Perhaps depression is just an avenue for faith, a time in which the expression of faith sounds different.
Ps 142:2 I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles.
I think this is where to go with it. Not to everyone, perhaps a little with a few, but mostly we ought to “complain up” as Tom Hanks said in Saving Private Ryan
This is still prayer, still faith, just the faith and the prayers of the hurting who hope that One will do something about it, show his compassion, express his care by a means that will actually comfort and restore faith, make it easier to believe in a good, loving, trustworthy God until Our faith is sight. And He will.
1Thes 5:23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
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4 comments:
When I lost my husband,and my home and everything in it, and my friends and family, and my reputation which took away (the most devistating) my ability to witness for my God, I went through a time where I could not even read my bible without it making me angry. It felt like it was all lies, but I was determined that I would not let anyone take this one thing away from me that I had left...my God...my Jesus. Before my life fell apart, I was on an incredible "high" as you call it with my relationship with God. I could feel him in everything...it was like he was there with me every moment and there were many times that I felt that life-giving water overflowing. That was more than ten years ago now, and I still rarely feel that way. But I know that it will come and the important part is that I will never stop seeking that goal. I also know, without question now, that whatever is thrown at me, it will not cause me to turn from God. And I will praise him even when (or maybe especially when) I do not feel like it. My faith and knowledge of him is now much more stable than it was before this crisis and less dependant on the "highs" and emotion.
Andy...you are right...it will take all of your strength (and that strength still comes from God even if you don't feel it) to maintain that hope. But you know there is nothing more important.
Psa 31:1-5 & 19-24, Psa 71:14-24, Psa 73:21-28, Psa 94:17-19 are all highlighted in my bible. I would read them out loud every night.
Praying for you!
The place you are in is familiar to me as well. C.S. Lewis always put my experience into perspective in the famous quote from the Screwtape Letters; "Sooner or later He [God] withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best...He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
I feel your pain and my heart hurts for you. I wish I knew the right words to uplift and restore you. I have been where you are and continue to struggle. The loss of my husband and it's subsequent aftermath has shaken me to the core and caused me much angst in my walk with the Lord. Things often don't seem to add up, contradictions abound, promises seem broken, assurances empty and void. Although I have never ceased to believe, I still look around and see and feel God's presence in everything, I wonder if I have the full story and if I don't then what is it! Instead of peace I feel a sense of struggle and unrest followed by incredible guilt that I feel this way. Round and round I go in this vicious circle. Exhausted,depleted.
Lately, I have found some comfort in just letting go. I just concentrate on being still and allowing God to minister to me. To speak to me in a still small voice. I try not to dwell, for the moment, if what is being revealed is right, based on what I believe scripture states (I'm no expert) and just go with it-uncensored,raw and human. Just me and God. Building my personal relationship with him first, knowing everything else will fall into place. Seeking his essence with all my heart,mind and soul.Believing he will meet me there.
I do believe depression is part of it. It's very common at your timeline of grief. In the beginning of loss, God seems so present and his promises and comfort carry us, people rally around and lift us up, we are numbed by the trauma of it all, we dig deep and call up our inner resources and run on sheer adrenaline for awhile. Then the crash. The reality that this is it... and what a bleak dark period that is... reality bites....
Don't be too hard on yourself, allow yourself these feelings, feel sorry for yourself-it's o.k. it really is- do what you need for yourself, take the time you need. I think it is so important you were able to open up, humble yourself and make yourself vulnerable in writing this blog. I admire the inner strength this took and really believe you are further on the path of healing than you believe. We have to let it out before we can let it go. It is when we come to this crossroad, beaten and battered,and make the conscious choice to hold on to our great hope,albeit by the thinnest of threads, that I believe our deepest spiritual growth and insight into the "truth" can occur.
Peace
Sandy F.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.
So I would be surprised if you didn't go through this stage..
With each person each stage has it's own length of time, but the final stage is acceptance.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
It is such a lonely path to walk. You have the Lord with you through it all.
and the prayers of family and friends.
You are loved.
Praying for you.
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